I have to start this post by saying that I love the woman that takes care of Clara. She watches her 3 days a week, and she is my savior. Previously, Clara was in a baby-factory that literally gave me nightmares. There were about 12 snotty, crying toddlers per 18-year-old college student - in a room about the size of my bedroom. And it was miserable. I am so glad to be saved from that place, please don't get me wrong. But I am struggling with the standard mommy-guilt.
Clara has been crying. She cries when I leave. She cries when the childcare provider isn't holding her. And she cries bloody murder if the woman leaves the room. And I am a single mom - a working mom, no less. So there really isn't anyone else around to point fingers at.
The first line of questioning went like this. "Have you always held her so much? Maybe you could let her be more independent. Let her cry a little. Allow her to build some confidence being on her own." Well... I hold her a lot. Partly because I don't get to see her enough, and I miss her! And partly because she's a baby. And then there's the fact that I love her.
Anyway, none of that business seemed to help much. So the next approach was more serious. "How old was she when you went back to work?" Well, this one is even more tricky, because I started working again when she was only one week old, because I had to. So, probably that's why she cries. Maybe she's going to grow up to be a serial killer, who knows.
I hate mommy guilt.
14 comments:
if it helps any, my baby does the same thing! I cannot leave him with anyone without him crying hysterically. I end up carrying him around most of the day b/c he wants me to hold him a lot.
I think some babies/children are just programmed this way, so please don't blame yourself for any of this!
ALL babies go through many stages of separation anxiety at some point. I am a working mom also and my little one went through that phase about every 6 months.
I hate the working mommy guilt but just remember that you know you are doing the best thing for you and your child!
I don't think it has anything to do with how much you hold her OR when you went back to work. Babies cry for their mamas, and some kids just need to be WITH people more than others. My older son is like that and he is almost five. My second son is very independent and will hardly let you snuggle him, even at bedtime. I find myself saying, "Please let mama rock you." He still cries when I leave him at the gym daycare though. It is what it is. Love her up when she is with you and then take a deep breath after you drop her off and give yourself a break. You are doing the superhuman feat of raising kids on your own, and you are doing a good job.
Who's asking you these stupid questions? Are these supposed to help you out.....anyway kids without words have only a few ways to express themselves and so there can be a lot of crying. And it does get a message across, which is the whole point, from the child's point of view. My super-duper grounded babyroo Aaron went through a whole month or so of screaming bloody murder when he was transitioned from the baby room and the toddler room at daycare (that would be at about the same age as Clara is now); he really loved those baby room caregivers. And, of course he's totally happy now (and loves those toddler room caregivers)and getting all his needs meet and receiving lots of love just like Clare. Believe me, this crying stuff will all be over in a flash, although it will seem like an eternity. Kind of like the not sleeping through the night stuff; seemed like an eternity, was only a bit of time. I hear you, we almost switched up the daycare situration when it was going on. We're mommys, it's in our programing to react strongly to the crying.
Not sure if any of this will help you....it was a bit of a ramble (yikes). We'll have to see if Andy weighs in next....
- Jennifer
Mine does this, too. And I've been home MOST of his first year. Mommy guilt is real for working moms, SAHMs, Everyone who cares.
You're doing great. And in the end (yes, I hold Owen entirely too much, too, so I've been told) she will grow up knowing how much you love her and how hard you work which are both great things to show her. She'll get it. I hope everyone else does, too.
Mine would cry, too, and I believe in holding them as much as they need it. Babies aren't supposed to be independent--they are babies! Puh-leeze! They are DESIGNED to be dependent--that's their job. Mine are 6 and 8 now, and are more independent than I'd like them to be! You want them to learn trust at this point, above all else. When you have her, hold her all you want and don't let ANYONE tell you differently.
You are doing the best you can, and you obviously love your child. You have to pay the bills, so you have to go to work. Most of us have been there (unfortunately!) I know it's hard, but it is what it is for now.
Sending you happy thoughts!
Sounds like this is normal for Clara's age and stage so we're going to grant you total absolution from that guilt!
Also going to give you a mantra to repeat to yourself when people ask you really stupid/nosey questions that make you second guess yourself. Say it silently in your head, "You don't live with us" to remind you that you are making the best intentioned decisions for your family that you possibly can!
How about another one? "So what!" So what if they think you should be doing xyz, they don't live with you. It's not dismissive to say "So what!" it's just giving yourself permission to move ahead and not be guilted into paralysis of second guessing yourself! If you need more, you know where you can find us!
I know, it's so hard when your baby cries when you're not holding him/her. I am a stay at home mom and my youngest son (8 months old) screams bloody murder if I put him down or leave the room.
It's separation anxiety that they go through.
I'm a mom of three kids, and I stay at home.
1. Every mom has guilt, it comes with the job.
2. You are doing the very best you can, and that is good enough.
3. Kids cry. If you're kid is crying, it's probably either her temperment or a developmental stage.
4. There's a million ways to parent, a million different circumstances families encounter, and yours is not wrong.
I live in a country where most mothers work full time (Portugal), I work 8 hours a day (9-18,5 - 1,5 lunch hour)and there isn't one single day that I don't feel guilty for not being able to pick up my kids earlier and spend more time with them.
Even today, my 4 year old that is already in Pre-School, still cries sometimes in the morning because she wants to be with me. I go to work broken hearted.
I can't change how things are, I can't leave my work (although I wanted too) but I continue to feel guilty for mot spending more time with my kids. Everyone says...it's life but I just don't accept that.
You and I and all the other working moms are doing a great job but I guess we sometimes don't accept that, it's tough to accept and that causes a lot of pain.
America seems obsessed with separating parents from children. From birth, our culture emphasizes the “nursery” their own crib, strollers, an endless array of products designed to keep us from holding our children. It wouldn’t be hard to associate our detached communities with the lack of closeness as a small child. Holding and spoiling aren’t the same thing. Having your children close to you is natural and normal. The day care professionals grilling you have limited education and experience, to say the least.
With that said, using hugs or holding as a reward, or worse, withholding closeness as a form of punishment could have disastrous results, but general affection isn’t something you need to limit with children, plus having them fall asleep in your arms can be one of the most rewarding moments in parenting.
They will find their own independence. Different kids do it differently. My kids were complete opposites with preschool, and opposite to what we, and everyone else expected. The one who was cautions, and didn’t really want to go did fine, and the eager one cried and after a few days, we gave up it for him.
Single parenting is an art. You do the best you can, love them dearly, and they seem to pick up on it. It sounds like you listen, play, and communicate with them, and while it’s hard to have them cry, the parent guilt now is much easier to deal with than the parent guilt when they are unable to function normally as adults.
You’ll all get thru this, and in all likelihood with few permanent scars. Hold them now, so they are confident and comfortable as older children and as adults.
Syd,
ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY NORMAL AGE-APPROPRIATE seperation anxiety. As an expert (remember, my undergrad was in early child development and I'm supposedly going to be a pediatrician as soon as I get my license), I can say this.
Pat yourself on the back, you've gotten her to her next developmental milestone. No mommy guilt, mommy success! Yay, Clara
Ms. Flinger sent me.
I just want to give you a hug and tell you not to feel bad.
My sister and I were raised EXACTLY the same way. Yet she never cried or had separation anxiety and I always did (and my mom stayed at home with us until we were in school). I was terrified my kid would be like me and cry like mad but she's not at all. It has NOTHING to do with you. It's just the way they are. Some cry. Some don't. Almost all are fine about 5 minutes after you walk out the door.
You're not doing anything wrong.
PS. I held my kid ALL THE TIME when I was home even though everyone said it would make her spoiled and clingy. Couldn't be further from the truth. You do what feels right.
Honey, I stay at home with Kadyn and she is going through the same thing as Clara. I can't leave the room to pee without her having a panic and crying. Like all your other friends have said sweetie, it is just one of those things that babies go through. You hold her and hug her and kiss her as much as you flipping well want to - that's what mummy's are for! None of us are perfect BUT you are perfect for Clara - you are her Mum and you are doing a fabulous job!!!! You should be proud NOT guilty!!! I am proud that you are my friend!!!
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