my mended heart

After my divorce, I dated a man whom I'd been friends with since we were kids. And when I fell in love with him, I went down like a ton of bricks. I never even saw it coming.

He was living the bachelor's life. He drank beer with his buddies on Friday nights, or on Wednesday nights, or on Monday nights. He rode a motorcycle - and not a sissy motorcycle, but an old black one that matched his worn leather jacket without trying to. He had a really nice chest, and you could tell that he a really nice chest through his t-shirt. He was a jeans and country music kind of a guy. Boy he knew his music. And come to think of it, he knew his jeans, too. Or maybe it was me that knew his jeans.

In any case, he literally swept me off my feet. He danced me around my tiny, dirty, rented kitchen after Joy had fallen asleep - to At Last by Etta James. Dear God, it will still melt my heart. And maybe it always will.

I realize now that it wasn't just him that I loved then - although you can take my word on this, I loved him. But also, I loved me. And I hadn't loved me in a long time. I was coming out of a 7-year marriage where I'd married fast and young. All of a sudden I felt fun, carefree, interesting, grown-up and sexy... things I hadn't felt in ages, if ever.

But once reality hit (as it always does - for better or worse), I couldn't make it all fit together. I couldn't reconcile the responsible-mom version of me with the back-of-a-motorcycle version of me. And just as I had fallen in love hard, my heart broke the same way. I cried for hours and days and months. It didn't feel like I would ever stop crying. Eventually, I dated again - and got pregnant with my beloved Clara. And then even being a mom to my beautiful two girls didn't ease the pain, over two years later.

But time kept moving on, as it does whether we want it to or not. And today I was on a walk with little Miss Clara, and I took a turn down that corridor in my heart where the pain used to live - where I haven't peeked for many weeks now, even months. And I found that there was no pain or bitterness left there. Not even any of that lingering hope that things might work out someday for us after all. All that I found there was happiness for what we shared.

I turned my back, and my heart healed up without me even knowing it was happening.